Update

I think it’s incredible how my life turned around ever since I decided to start practicing spirituality again.  The good news is that even though I haven’t been writing for a while, at least the beginning was recorded on this blog. So I know exactly where to look back and compare.

I continue to do my spiritual rituals. I read a lot less, just because I don’t need so much anymore, and I don’t have the time. But I still read every morning and meditate. It helps enormously.

The place where I started volunteering decided to pay me because, well, I am so darned good they think.  So for now, I am being paid until the end of September. That’s good. It’s a  chunk of money I wasn’t expecting that will give me peace of mind for a while until I find another job.

Friends have come back into my life out of the blue. Just last Friday I went for dinner with a  friend I hadn’t seen in 8 years, because she now lives in another city. I was telling her how I thought that my former co-workers hated me. It turns out she thought I’d been nice, cheerful, and friendly. This is news to me. But I believe what happened was that my negative mindset filtered out the many good experiences and kept the focus on the few bad ones.

So, anyway, I am back in “business.”  My life isn’t perfect but it is more normal that it had been for a  few years.  But I’m focusing on being me 100%, on not beating myself up for my mistakes, and on letting life flow as it will.  I am actually determined to do away with guilt. That’s the detestable gift I received from my mother that I am throwing out the window for good.

And speaking of my mother, I continue to hear stories of her talking trash about me. And I think enough is enough. There is no reason why I should pursue any kind of relationship with someone who hates me that much. So, again, goodbye mother. I just can’t let anything make me unhappy. I am tired of feeling unhappy.

So, even though I am aware that hardly anyone reads this blog, here is my status, for record keeping purposes.

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Things going well

I’m quite busy these days, with summer, volunteer work and all. But I continue reading and practicing my spiritual disciplines. I love meditating. Which is, you know, sitting there for a while trying to think about nothing. It is so relaxing. I do it at the tune of Nature Music on cable TV.

The reading is what keeps me going, though. Yesterday, I was getting upset because I have a “user” who wants to micromanage my team. I say “my” because I’m the team leader. Then, I read in some book that most things that bother us or that we get upset about don’t matter at all. I immediately remembered many incidents in which I was agitated, offended, or whatever. Looking back, the stuff I was taking so seriously didn’t matter one little bit. That realization stopped the negativity, and allowed me to enjoy a few hours of worry free bliss, which is so rare for me.

I don’t know if there is a supernatural force behind all there is–or if it is all natural. But I know that ever since I started talking to the Universe, or to the source of all life, acknowledging that I’m part of it, my life has changed tremendously. I needed that connection with my inner self. I needed a place to figure things out on my own, a way to find psychological release.

One thing that really helps is to count one’s blessing. I’ve been doing that. An incredible number of good things have happened to me in a short period of 3 weeks or so.  Of course, all that could’ve happened even if I hadn’t been keeping my spiritual practice. However, I now notice. And keeping my mind on good things is half the battle, because it makes me feel special. It helps me walk with my chin up expecting more good stuff.

There are folks who are naturally optimistic and expect good things of life. Those folks probably don’t need to practice rituals. But I do. And I have nothing against anyone who can do without said rituals. I figure we all need to do whatever it takes to live another day, and reading and meditating is what I have chosen to do.

But, what has been so good? I got out of the house to meet others. I have met all kinds of cool people from all walks of life, and I love it. I have gained a new trust in the human race. I’m no so afraid of people anymore… just a little bit.

I got a volunteer job that I love and gets me out of the house daily. I’m working with former classmates and friends whom I love and love me. That is extremely important to me.

All kinds of good deals have come my way. I find money on sidewalks. People give me things. I discover incredible deals. Today, for example, we happened to be downtown and decided to go to Sears. We discovered they were having a sale. We went in and spent $300.00. He bought 10 pairs of pants, 3 sweaters, and other stuff. I bought 8 blouses, 4 pants, and a purse. We basically have new wardrobes, for $300.00.

Out of the blue, I got a job interview. My instructor sent the resume. I don’t know what will come of it. But at least I’ll practice my interview skills.

So basically, in 4 weeks, I’ve gotten myself a whole new life, and I like it. I still feel wobbly. I feel like I just stood up and somebody can put a finger on my shoulder and push me backwards. I feel like a toddler trying to walk and feeling afraid to fall any second. But at least I’m finally walking, after 6 years of isolation and depression.

I don’t know what the future has for me. I’m going to have to take it one day at a time. Because I’m darned scared of thinking longer than that.

Continue doing my spiritual practice

I’m quite busy these days, with summer, volunteer work and all. But I continue reading and practicing my spiritual disciplines. I love meditating. Which is, you know, sitting there for a while trying to think about nothing. It is so relaxing. I do it at the tune of Nature Music on cable TV.

The reading is what keeps me going, though. Yesterday, I was getting upset because I have a “user” who wants to micromanage my team. I say “my” because I’m the team leader. Then, I read in some book that most things that bother us or that we get upset about don’t matter at all. I immediately remembered many incidents in which I was agitated, offended, or whatever. Looking back, the stuff I was taking so seriously didn’t matter one little bit. That realization stopped the negativity, and allowed me to enjoy a few hours of worry free bliss, which is so rare for me.

I don’t know if there is a supernatural force behind all there is–or if it is all natural. But I know that ever since I started talking to the Universe, or to the source of all life, acknowledging that I’m part of it, my life has changed tremendously. I needed that connection with my inner self. I needed a place to figure things out on my own, a way to find psychological release.

One thing that really helps is to count one’s blessing. I’ve been doing that. An incredible number of good things have happened to me in a short period of 3 weeks or so.  Of course, all that could’ve happened even if I hadn’t been keeping my spiritual practice. However, I now notice. And keeping my mind on good things is half the battle, because it makes me feel special. It helps me walk with my chin up expecting more good stuff.

There are folks who are naturally optimistic and expect good things of life. Those folks probably don’t need to practice rituals. But I do. And I have nothing against anyone who can do without said rituals. I figure we all need to do whatever it takes to live another day, and reading and meditating is what I have chosen to do.

But, what has been so good? I got out of the house to meet others. I have met all kinds of cool people from all walks of life, and I love it. I have gained a new trust in the human race. I’m no so afraid of people anymore… just a little bit.

I got a volunteer job that I love and gets me out of the house daily. I’m working with former classmates and friends whom I love and love me. That is extremely important to me.

All kinds of good deals have come my way. I find money on sidewalks. People give me things. I discover incredible deals. Today, for example, we happened to be downtown and decided to go to Sears. We discovered they were having a sale. We went in and spent $300.00. He bought 10 pairs of pants, 3 sweaters, and other stuff. I bought 8 blouses, 4 pants, and a purse. We basically have new wardrobes, for $300.00.

Out of the blue, I got a job interview. My instructor sent the resume. I don’t know what will come of it. But at least I’ll practice my interview skills.

So basically, in 4 weeks, I’ve gotten myself a whole new life, and I like it. I still feel wobbly. I feel like I just stood up and somebody can put a finger on my shoulder and push me backwards. I feel like a toddler trying to walk and feeling afraid to fall any second. But at least I’m finally walking, after 6 years of isolation and depression.

I don’t know what the future has for me. I’m going to have to take it one day at a time. Because I’m darned scared of thinking longer than that.

Volunteer Work

To be honest, I haven’t been looking for work. I was too depressed to do it. I had been having trouble with my self-esteem. That’s why I decided to start my beloved spiritual practices again. It was that or jumping off the bridge.

My spiritual practice consists of meditating quietly, reading inspirational books, and saying affirmations that affirm situations opposite to the negativity I’m feeling. If I think I will never find employment, I say, “I find a great job.”

Anyway, thankfully, I found volunteer work. It’s like a practicum. I’ll work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, during July and August. I’m very excited about that, because it will give me hands on experience on the stuff I learned at school. That will sky rocket my self-esteem.

So, I feel good today.