Home on Sunday

Four weeks or so ago, I decided to open my doors to the outside world. I went to a few MeetUps, a few esoteric church services, and a few meetings of a “smart” people club my husband belongs to (you know that club for people with IQ’s over 140 which name will go unmentioned).

All that accounts for a lot of social interaction. And today, I’m tired of it, not permanently, I just need a break.

Why does being around people –nice people–drain me so much?  Here is my theory. If this happens to you, I would love to hear your theory.

I’ve been trying to think more positively. As you know, pantheists believe that thoughts are things, and that what we think we manifest in reality. They say that Universal Law acts on our thoughts indiscriminately. It acts on our good and on our bad intentions regardless.

The jury is still out as to weather I believe there is a supernatural element to that. But there is a common sense element that rings true for me. If I go around all day thinking of eating chocolate cake, a point will come when I will run to any lousy bakery to buy a piece of delightful sin.

In trying to think more positively, I’ve observed that about 95% of my thoughts are negative. One of the authors I’ve been reading likens our mind to a garden. If we plant weeds, we’ll get weeds. If we plant flowers we’ll get flowers. Another writer (Tolle?) says that labeling people and situations is misleading. The moment we label a situation as “bad” we stop learning from it. The moment I decide a person is mean, I stop seeing the good side of him or her.

So, in trying to be more positive, I’ve been analyzing my thoughts when I’m around others. Let me give you a peak–please don’t throw up. Promise you’ll still be my friend.

  • She is so fat. How can he possibly love her?
  • This guy talks way too much. Oh my!  No wonder he can’t find a job. He must make employers dizzy.
  • That woman is so full of herself!
  • Oh, teenagers being silly. I hate them.
  • I hate nosy people
  • I hate it when people leave me there talking and walk away.
  • Why do people take so long to drive off after a red light? Morons.

Supernatural or not, the law of cause and effect has been working as scripted in my life for the last few years. It is as if my thoughts were broadcasted. People just don’t seem to like me. So, in trying to change the way I think, I’ve been observing my every thought and trying to change it into a positive one.

  • There is more to her that her physical appearance. She must be a wonderful person, and he loves her.
  • Yes, he talks too much. Some people may like him for it. I hope it’s not affecting his job search.
  • She is not full of herself. That’s just the way she is, and it doesn’t mean anything.
  • I actually love teenagers. I wish I could be silly and free like them.
  • I don’t hate anyone. I move from default hate to default love.
  • Well, yes, people take a while to start driving after a red light. Get used to it.

All the thought watching and transforming is exhausting. I’m so tired. Today, I was thinking, “Why am I so sad?” “Why don’t I want to go anywhere?”

Then I decided to stay home. Or at least, I need to do stuff on my own today. No socializing. It feels good so far.


8 thoughts on “Home on Sunday

  1. It is exhausting! Change involves energy. I think of the times when I need to keep quiet and just listen, even if I disagree or I know someone has misunderstood. Just keeping my mouth shut requires a huge amount of energy. Even changing negative thoughts to positive thoughts . . . again, energy because the easier thought is the one that is negative because it’s normative for me. Sort of automatic or unconscious. Taking it to a conscious level and being deliberate takes practice I think and if I practice too much all at once I get sore muscles. Taking a day off is a good idea, I think.

  2. Ahh, so there is so much here, I have thoughts tumbling over each other like a pile of puppies.

    Firstly, I totally agree with what Ms Kel says up there ^ (hi, Kel). I think that what works best for you, and the amount of time that you spend with other people, is entirely your right and whatever it is, is right for you. I still struggle in this area. I need a *lot* of downtime, solitude away from other people. I still feel bad about that, even though it’s what I want. It’s a bit of an ongoing struggle.

    I’m totally with you about the whole energy thing, about what we put out is what we get back in a certain sense. It’s pretty amazing the difference that happens. I can relate to those negative thoughts about other people, too. I think that people pick up on stuff so if we’re feeling fearful they pick up on it in even a subliminal way. So they might not be able to say what it is that makes them feel uncomfortable, they just are. I hate this, really. Because whenever I’m feeling awful and I could do with people cutting me some slack, it’s the very time that they won’t, because they react to me. We are a totally reactive society.

    I just thought then of all that “love your enemy” stuff. For me, this is one of the foundations of the stuff that I’ve taken away from Christianity. All of the “love your enemies” stuff is so foremost in my mind, because when I come across people who I instantly don’t like, I have to ask myself why that is, and often it’s because they unnerve me in some way. And then I have to take myself through the whole thing of letting my defenses down, and trying to be kind to them because they need it even though I want to slap them.

    Because people quite often really really suck. Unfortunately. But then I must suck to them too. Oh, why so much suckiness?

    This is why I need lots of downtime 😛

    Anyway, I’m raving on so much here, sorry about that 🙂

    • Interpersonal relationships are so complicated, aren’t they? It’s a miracle that anyone can be friends with anyone.

      Good for you that you got something from Christianity. I’m pretty sure I learned a thing or two myself. However, my problem is that the language doesn’t speak to me. Jesus is said to have said, “Love your enemies.”

      That’s great, Jesus, but what the hell did you mean by that? Do you mind explaining yourself a little? Too encrypted for me.

      Your explanation makes a lot of sense, though. Thanks!

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